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2/03/2008 in the morning i went to pay my respects to my ah ma. didnt really want to mull over past events so i tried not to look back. but upon arrival at that same place where she was cremated, with her picture lying in one of those many small compartments, the quiescent memories started to resurface again. thus i retreated to one desolated corner and started cogitating about the times which i spent with her alone. she was as close to me as a parent, maybe even more. with my mother and father working to support us, i spent my days as a little toddler wandering about the 4th story apartment in bishan ( i forgot the block number )with my ah ma beside me. Every morning without fail, she would bring a basket and take hold of my dimunitive (okay maybe little) hands and we would make our way down to the market and buy eggs and listen to the rooster's early morning squawks. yes they didnt make those majestic noises you see in documnetaries. she would buy some veggies and i followed her and i think there was once she fell. i vividly remember myself crying because i was so frightened. After that we would return and i would proceed with my koala bear show. i forgot the name of the show but it was like a gray koala bear as the protagonist and with other little furry animals as supporting characters. my ah ma would sit beside me and we would whittle our time away just like this, carefree and with no freaking worries similar to that of today's. Then we moved out. So life continued and she stayed at many houses all this while because i had a lot of uncles and aunties. she came to our house only once or twice in years, i wanted her to come but theres no one to look after her.. we had school and my parents had to go to work. two years ago she fell in the toilet and they had to amputate(?) the toe. last year she had a stroke and started to lose her memory, including those memories i mentioned earlier. it was dreadfully heart-wrenching when I had to be introduced and re-introduced to her again and again. But then i kept persuading my parents to go back home earlier because i was exhausted. after all, there was still the next saturday. Then she had another stroke in december. Hospitalised. We went to visit her that day.. I went in and saw her and i just broke down. I sat beside her at the small table and held her hands. Went out occasionally to have a drink but stayed until late in the night before going home. believe it or not there are tears in my eyes right now, while im typing out this very sentence. .. She passed away two days later. received the call at 10:30pm. next morning went to her funeral place already. it really came like a tidal wave, there was nothing i could do, except to painfully savour those last moments in the hospital. She was cremated on Christmas Day. so on the whole i had a rather agonizing holiday, the worst in my entire life. then the priest said that we had to go down every now and then to pay our respects to my ah ma and ah gong. my ah gong passed away even before i was born, so we lacked that particular nexus which could have bonded us together. so i went back there today. and sadly i had to rush back for tuition. so here i am typing out this heartfelt post, wondering if any of you can empathize. like i said just now in my message to someone, all i wish now is to find some day to go to the beach, write a letter to my ah ma, place it inside a glass bottle and let it flow out to sea. i know its kind of traditional and an only-in-drama-serials kind of thing but i feel a need to do so, so can someone accompany me someday? i really cant express myself through words, i never told anyone how much they meant to me, i always seem to be real quiet. .. still ah ma if you can see this, i really want to say i love you, i will never ever forget you .. i need to wash my face. Last Forever 10:44 PM |
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